There was a big celebration in the house, granny and grandpa had been there too. All of us had been allowed to attend. There was a big feast and the weather was glorious. Every one was happy, I smiled, I danced and joined in with the merriment. I was older and beginning to understand my feeling now and understood my sadness. Granny and Grand pa never mentioned mum and dad. I remember once asking if I would ever see them ever again, granny cried and grandpa had a sad forlorn look in his eyes. Grandpa looks old and has never lost that look of sadness, even when he is joining in with the merriment, he looks lost and sad just like me. The next day I overheard granny discussing me with uncle John and aunt Geraldine, she looked like my mum, although her features are a little more, shall we say, less flattering. “Just wait a little longer” I heard grandpa say . ” she’s not coming back dad” I heard her say with a tremble to her voice. She should know what happened,Uncle John grunted. Jenny shouted from the kitchen, I didn’ t want them to know I had been listening. Granny and grandpa left the next day. The day’s continued as before even though the war had ended, we continued to play on the beech and and go to school. DurIng the summer holidays, it was raining outside so I decided to Look for a book to read, that’s when I came across the letter, it was addressed to me , I looked around the room, nobody was about so I picked it up and tentatively opened it up, “my darling I am so sorry we had To leave you, one day you will understand, oh I hope you understand, I can’t bear the thought of you hating us both. This is the last time I will be able to contact you. Just remember we love you, our darling little girl.” It was dated 5 years age. I don’t understand, where did they go? Why did they leave? Why would I hate them? Someone was comings what do I do? Shall I put the letter back? No it’s my letter, so I quickly crumpled the letter up and ran to the beech, tears burning my eyes and skin has they rolled down, my cheek. That letter is mine. I sat on the beech for ages, it was beginning to get cold and dark. I heard Jeremy call, suddenly he was beside me.
Loss! what is it? is a feeling, is an thing. Loss is different for everyone from losing your first game of who wants to be a millionaire on play station at Christmas and throwing a wobbly to losing in a quiz “ah well better luck next time” shrug it off loss. To the deep sadness loss of a loved one, to the loss of an important piece of jewelry, left by your mum before she passed away on that deep deep sorrow of a late summers evening last June. Is that a different loss, is the actual loss of one’s loved one more important than something that once belonged to that person? Who determines how important that loss is?
In this blog, I had chosen this morning, to write about my own loss of a future that I once thought was forever, I had it all worked out in my head whilst driving in my car. Although at the time the loss was real I have a new future now and it did not seem relevant even though it was important to me. I re-read the instructions and the twist and wanted to try something new, not to write about me, although I do feel that your experiences in life are what shape your thinking and your imagination. So I decided to write a story Called Lost Forever! to try something new. I haven’t read any body post I wanted to see what I could do then see how my journey unfolds though the experiences and flavouring of my senses with your writing. So here goes!!
I loved going to the beach, even though I felt sad. I didn’t really understand my feeling at that young age I just knew I was sad and I knew the reason why, just didn’t understand. Not long afterwards, Granny and Grandpa took me to see some friends. James was 9, quite boisterous at time, but sensitive. Jenny was 10 nearly 11 very grown up, looked after me like I was her very own child. Jeremy and Jessica, twins, were a little older than me 5 and 3/4 to be precise who never stopped arguing “my drawings are better than yours” “no mine has more colour than yours” it would be up to Jenny to make the decision, she was very diplomatic and praised both of them for their effort which totally left them confused. Julia was the sweetest of them all, although sometimes not quite “with it! In her dreamland she played not really noticing me at all and I think if she did she would not get a look in with Jenny, who constantly smothered me, I wasn’t sure if it was because of what happened or whether that was how she was made.
The house was very big with what seemed like thousands of rooms, maybe a little exaggeration! All the children slept and played in the one room, granted it was the biggest room in the house. The attic room, was bright and colourfull and noisy. I found this strange to begin with but soon got used to it. The wind would howl and the lapping of the sea would echo within the walls of the attic room, sometimes keeping us all awake . After a few days Granny and Grandpa said their goodbyes and said they would be back to see me soon.
Down on the beech we all played, smiles on our faces, running, swimming, building sandcastles, but I was sad. Jenny would try her best to cheer me up, constantly cuddling and kissing me. It was lovely to know somebody felt that way about me, but it wasn’t her kisses and cuddles I wanted, or dreamed about. “Why is she sad” “shussh Jeremy” Julia whispered “its not her fault”. What isn’t my fault I wondered. That summer we spent most of the time on the beech even the rain didn’t keep us away. The sun shone and the birds tweeted , people laughed and played but still the sadness crept in. Jeremy whispered to Jessica, “I want to know why she is sad” “no you can’t ask her ” Jenny will tan our behinds. The risk of Jenny finding out and tanning his behind didn’t stop him this day and he blurted it out. ” I don’t know” I said “you must know” he whispered so Jenny would not hear him. I looked at the sea and the memory came flooding back and the tears began to roll down my cheek. Jessica looked at Jeremy horrified “oh no you have done it now” chastising him, even though she looked just as dumbfounded. In the distance and the recesses of my memory I could see myself laughing and hear the most wonderful sound in the world and that was my parents giggling away at me splashing the water in my eyes and screwing my face up in disgust, then doing it again and again until eventually I too was laughing. Jeremy and Jessica just stood there. “I’ve lost my mummy and daddy” I whispered in between my sobbing. ” Oh” Jessica mumbled. “I lost my favourite car in the sand right over there” he pointed and began to cry. Both Jessica and I looked toward the far point of the beech where Jeremy held out his arm and sobbed even harder . Jenny then turned around and came rushing to my side. “you poor thing, its OK I’m here now” she squeezed me tight and in a strange way I did feel better but was awfully concerned for Jeremy and wanted to go and find his lost car. Jessica hugged Jeremy whilst telling him off of course. James continued rushing around and kicking the sand in his face, Julia
Looked up to see what the fuss was about then continued in her own little dream world.
Music when I woke this morning and bravely read the next part of our writing journey, music it says, I love music. As a child my parents always rocked out the vinyl, Elvis, Connie Francis, Dolly Parton, country music, the 60’s my era of the 80’s. Tapes, CD and now downloads have been a big part of my life. I tried to think, driving to work, What three songs would I choose. I sit here trying to tell you my thoughts from this morning and Blank! how I wish I could bottle up those thoughts they seem so clear, now so cloudy. For me songs are about memories and the people around me. I listen to songs and say I like that and wonder why, what is that I like about that song. Before I completed my University degree music was just like that, some music made me cry, some made me happy and other quite frankly made me ecstatically giddy especially with a few glasses of wine down my neck, dancing oh music and dancing! These days I listen to the words and its the words that move me, what does it mean, how do the words effect me and what impact do they have on my life. My three songs are about the memories that well up inside me, they are not my favourite songs or even one’s I play regular, just reflections of the past and future.
The first song is Chain Reaction by Cher, if you could see me now smiling away vividly seeing my little girl being swung around in a crazy swirl around the room, again, again, hair, not that she had much, swooping and swirling across her face, that smile, that laughter, oh no dizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy . we stand there swaying from side to side, I hold her tight, eyes rolling around, mouth open………..again, again, again. The laughter in the room is infectious, her face is mesmerizing. Again we go around and around, until we flop on the sofa for one big hug.
The second song I chose is Elton Johns, Are You Ready for Love. I din’t know it at the time, but that was the song that was telling me “are you ready” not for love but for my independence, to live my life and be free from the shackles I had allowed myself to be bound by. I was making decisions, I had grown, I finally was becoming ME! . No No it all came crashing down, I wasn’t ready, I allowed myself to shackled again, I wasn’t strong enough. This song I believed set alight a fire that eventually exploded and burnt down my barriers to living and to ME. Although the fire was hot, the cool waters of my new life have dampened the flames, the embers are still smoldering in the distance there to protect me, but I don’t think I will need them now.
My final song belongs to both myself and my husband,one our wedding song that we debated and spent many hours choosing. This was the song to walk or in our case run out of the church. the first two songs told a story of how we felt for each other, but this one had to be about our future and what this day is about. When I suggested Mcfly, Love is Easy Gary dismissed it straight away . Based on both our past experiences LOVE was not EASY. We talked, we laughed, I have overcome his OCD and he has learned to live with my chaotic mismatched, unorganised, funny, witty, grotty! ways. And we found that love is easy, turbulent and messy sometimes. Wherever he is we say good night and good morning and in between we carry on with our day knowing that there is someone there to discuss our day, someone to smile at and just to be .
Those are my memories enchanted into music.
My world isn’t a fantasy, with some hard work it can be reality that is plummeted into the depths of our consciousness, our growth mindset rather than the relics of shadows to our failures, an environment that is unevenly proportioned and compartmentalised that it causes people to stumble. The zone of proximal development has become stilted like a pyramid of old fashioned books, dull, dank, disinterested, shadows of failed ambitions. A teacher led session is taking place, she resembles a wooden character from Pinocchio, fixed and rooted, working automatically like the building of cars on the assemble line, everyone the same, some have problems and need to be sent back to the manufacturer, some will always have a life long ignition dilemma, where passions for learning are dampened rather than ignited.
The room is quiet the fixed mindset has been firmly rooted in the silence of lost ambition, passion and growth. “I can’t do this so whats the point…My mum says she was never good at school so i am not good either… I wonder what I can do for tea…listen to the birds they are tweeting away living in a garden of sweet smelling aromas of a process environment…that’s where I want to be.” A spark ignites, has the problem been solved, no, but a sea of wooden figures are slowing gaining life,”I am human”. Its uneven, there are places to stumble and fall, places to fail, a place to explore your sameness and individuality. A place where you can plant a seed and watch it grow depending on the intake of water and the amount of sun the seed is exposed to. It is a beautiful place if you are willing to have a belief in yourself, to keep trying your best, practice, challenge yourself and develop a process of growing your mind, changing your behaviors, building a culture of success and students individual achievements.
You are the sacred keeper of the garden of utopia, you hold the key you are the ghosts who sends the messages to be decoded. Send the right messages decode the growth mindset. A garden doesn’t grow without hard work and qualities of personal beliefs with the aromas of our personalities developing within a zone that scaffolds and motivates and imitates the behaviors of the guardians of Utopia, the growing minds of self belief, an array of colours that have selfishly taken time to open up and show us the of results of our labour. Cast your mind over our garden and feast on its sweet smell of learning and achievement. The swaying of the tulip, upright and proud looking forwarding to the sun. “I am here, my colours are bold I may sway in the gentle wind but I keep coming back, I will succeed, this may take some time and effort and I may always sway. When I was growing I needed a stick to scaffold and hold me up now I am free. I have autonomy, I have a purpose withing my challenges, I will master my skill. “Here young Rose, make my stick smaller and stick it in the ground near you, so you have the choice to support your growth.”
The Rockery Plants flourish within their soggy undergrowth, the Daisy grow small but strong and determined, Marigolds, Dandelions, Blossoms trees, Carnations, Jasmine cumulatively encompasses ones lifetime and experiences. The garden is a fusion of colours and smells, a sea of Bluebells, a burst of wild flowers all blossoms within a renewal of growth that is rooted in a belief from positive praise, feedback that encourages improvement and growth. Connection of what is known to what will be known, mastery, challenge, autonomy, purpose, imitating influences and behaviours within a collaboration and ethos of “I can’t do it YET!” A world where growth is possible given the right tools, motivation and dedication from all who swim in the growth mindset.